'Fake It Till You Make It' Is All Wrong

Why emotional bypassing doesn’t work, and what to do instead.

“Fake it till you make it” is like taking a painkiller.

It may hide the symptoms for a while, but it doesn’t solve the real issue and often makes things worse in the long run.

Why is it all wrong?

Because the energy behind faking it is disbelief. Misalignment.

To fake a thought means you don’t believe it to be true. And no matter how hard you try, the unconscious part of your psyche, the part that knows you’re faking, always dominates. So nothing changes. Or worse, things spiral further.

The “make it” part of fake it till you make it might sound like a promise... that if you keep faking the belief, one day you’ll genuinely believe it. But in reality, that moment of “making it” doesn’t come from the faking. It comes when the situation around you genuinely shifts, when something real changes, and you suddenly find no reason not to believe the very thing you were struggling to fake.

It’s not the fake belief that leads to making it. It’s the transformation of your reality that finally makes the belief obvious.

So How Do You Make It?

The answer is deceptively simple and frustratingly elusive until you break it down.

Here’s how you can break it down.

It’s not a hack. It’s not an affirmation trick.

It’s a conscious path toward emotional alignment.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Naked Truth

Stop faking anything.

Have the courage to see a person (including self), a relationship, or a situation exactly as it is: unfiltered, unsanitised.

Let’s say (anonymised):

A woman finds herself walking on eggshells around her partner. He’s struggling. There are signs of depression, emotional spirals, avoidance through binge-watching. He wants to sleep on time. He wants to eat better. She wants that for him too. But he just can’t seem to do it, not consistently. She notices that her presence feels like a trigger sometimes. That her expectations cause more shutdown than progress. She begins to feel helpless, angry, resentful. And underneath it all, heartbreakingly alone.

She doesn’t suppress these thoughts anymore. She sees it all, exactly as it is.

That is Step 1.

Step 2: Feel Your Feelings

You probably feel anger, resentment, disapproval, hurt, helplessness…

and these are not “negative” emotions. These are natural, healthy responses.

Feel them. Let them rise as you acknowledge the unspeakable.

They can be terrifying. They can make you shiver, shake, cry.

But they won’t destroy you. They’ll save you.

They’ll move through you. They’ll be released.

Because when you fake it, what you’re actually doing is suppressing these necessary emotions. The very ones that could carry you to where you truly want to be, if you allowed yourself to ride them consciously.

And that suppressed anger, that quiet disapproval, that ache of helplessness…

it doesn’t go away.

It hardens. It enters your muscles. Your bones.

It calcifies into your nervous system.

It becomes part of your unconscious.

It hijacks your thoughts. Distorts your choices.

So feel them.

Not because it’s easy. But because it’s the only way to let them go.

This is not a quick fix. It’s a courageous act.

And it requires your presence. And your patience.

Step 3: Watch Yourself Rise

After the storm comes a shift. It might be subtle. But it’s real.

Make an honest emotional check-in:

From rage to anger? From anger to sadness? From sadness to neutrality?

From neutrality to a breath of relief?

You don’t have to leap into joy. You don’t have to force a smile.

Just notice the truth of where you are now.

This isn’t about becoming positive.

It’s about becoming aware. And awareness, even in its quietest form, is movement.

It means something within you has already begun to change.

Step 4: Take Responsibility

Now that the dust has settled just enough, you can begin to clarify what you want. From a place of choice rather than desperation.

This is the step where we stop outsourcing our peace to someone else’s behaviour.

Not: “I want him to stop bingeing, feel better, and sleep on time.” ✘

Instead: “I want to understand what he’s going through. I want to support him, while also honouring what I need.” ✔

The difference is subtle, but radical. One version waits for change. The other creates space for it.

When you take responsibility for your desires, you stop waiting for someone else to do the work. And suddenly, your words begin to align with your values. You become the one guiding your experience.

This is where self-alignment begins to anchor itself in the way you show up.

Step 5: Watch Yourself Shift

Now don’t force a response.

Just watch yourself show up. How you begin to act differently, without faking, without trying.

Maybe you ask him, gently, how you can support him.

Maybe you kiss him goodnight and go to bed, with love, not punishment.

Maybe you gift him blue-light glasses.

Maybe you suggest therapy not as advice, but as a possibility you’re both allowed to explore.

None of this is faked. None of this is forced.

It’s simply what flows when the first four steps have aligned your emotional compass.

What Happens When You Force a “Mature” Response?

You may think you’re having a calm, adult conversation, suggesting therapy, promoting healthy habits, using all the “right” words. But if it’s built on suppressed hurt, frustration, or fear, the energy betrays you.

It’s not mature.

It’s bypassing.

You’ve skipped over your own pain in the name of being constructive.

And your body, your tone, your presence will carry that contradiction.

That’s why it won’t land.

We’re Never Done Being Aware

And so, we loop.

Between Step 1 and Step 4.

Again. And again.

Sometimes for weeks. Months. Years.

And just like that, often unexpectedly, you’ll touch Step 5.

And in that moment, something clicks.

You won’t have to force a belief that your partner is okay.

You’ll feel something shift in both of you.

Not because you faked it.

But because authenticity created enough room for transformation.

Let yourself experience it.

And stay gently committed to the journey.

Apply This To Any Situation

This isn’t just about relationships.

It applies to:

• Money: Faking “I am wealthy” won’t work if you have nothing but disbelief within. But acknowledging fear, feeling it, and clarifying what you want, that’s real. And that can lead to aligned action.

• Illness: Repeating “I am healthy” with heaviness within and denial won’t heal you. But sometimes, affirmations work, not because you believed them blindly, but because they helped you reach a place of surrender, of allowing. That place is Step 5.

• Self-worth: Telling yourself “I am enough” while holding in shame and grief might give momentary relief, but it’s through feeling the not-enoughness that wholeness becomes possible.

Don’t Fake It. Don’t Force It. Feel It.

If you’re struggling, whether with someone else or with yourself, go back to Steps 1 through 4.

Loop through them with care, courage, and patience.

The aligned action will come. And when it does, it will be real.

More power to you!

Want to engage in conscious self-work? Talk to me. Coach with me. Grow with me.

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